Omfg, I can't take this much more! I got my own place with my bf. He's driving me nuts with not cleaning today or any other day for that matter unless I yell at him to do it, and no he is not a drunk he is just fat and lazy. I tell him I want him to try going on a diet, he won't. I am fed up. I told him if he is going to act like this then we won't have any kids whatsoever, we'll just have animals. It's driving me nuts that this whole place is always dirty and he never lifts a finger, it's only on his remote, or to burn bacon in the frying pan. I am liking having my own independance but FUCK, there's just some things some people can't bloody well take!

To top it all off, the beginning of this year started off with my ending this trivial game with my friend from high school. I am also thinking of cutting all ties from my friend after July the 6th. My dog little Leah used to be hers is having an operation that day for her cherry eye to be removed. If my friend doesn't show up to pay her half the bill, I have come to the conclusion to take her to small claims after paying the full amount.

My mom ended up getting bruised all over and ended up in the hospital a second time! It's getting to be too much. My aunt also is being an antisocial bitch. She is dating this absolute loser who has no lief whatsoever rather then to drink and waste his time yelling and screaming. On my own aunt's birthday she was cleaning up everything, not her "bf". Anyway I feel a bit better. Anyone reading this rant feel free to comment.

Alright, so the major update here, is my mom ended up in the hospital for binge drinking. She kicked yelled and screamed down the hallway yelling carl (my father her husband) so loud, making a complete idiot of herself. She kept getting up and leaving, and swearing at everyone and freaking out. At 4 in the morning when I was in bed asleep she goes back home. After coming back home from the hospital what does she do? She drinks a shot of whiskey! I couldn't take it any more, I called Mike up and said please just take me down there I'll work my ass off here at your farm and finally be happy. I got the net connected now finally truly happy about that, that I can get my fix every day now. Another huge update is I got my leg banged up also when I went biking on a windy day, getting hit by a spanish asshole and got a nice huge fine to top that off. They haven't gotten a hold of me as of yet, so I am quite happy about that. Well that about actually wraps it up lol. Living with my bf mike, back together with him, gonna be together forever so happy :D. That's all folks lol.

So alright I go to an interview. Today I tell my mom I feel sick as all hell from the hamburger or whatever shit she fed to me. I now still feel like I am going to be sick to my stomach and all I can think about is getting even with them and hurting them all over again like when I left. Give them the ultimate pain as a gift. So when I get enough money saved up I am going to take both animals with me, everything I own even if they gave it to me and leave somewhere far far away. I stopped being friends with this one guy I wanted to be with all along and hope to god he will leave me alone from here on in. Tomorrow after my long interview session, well job shadowing I am going to be staying at a friends. It now looks like I am going to have to stay in a damn shelter for a while.... I really really don't want to because it means leaving my two animals (one who is my illigitamte son who I love so much, who is a pure bread collie, and another one who I adapted a tabby cat who has the greatest personality ever.) There the only two beings here ever that make me happy and make me feel that I have a purpose on earth. Every time I think of killing myself, all I do is think of my dog my illigitimate son and just stop all bad thoughts and think what he'd do without me, and what I'd do without him.

My parents are so cold hearted right now and are causing me nothing but more pain heartache, and headaches, all in one. More importantly all they care about is being together. They think about themselves more so because all they care about is making themselves feel better. I could never concentrate on homework, and they blamed me on being lazy.... When I know KNOW for a fact that it's because all I could think about is "What am I gonna walk home to." Or "Oh my God... will anyone be home." Or "I feel like dying right about now or moving out." I wish it would all stop right now. Life just sucks balls right now. If I get that job I can get enough money saved up and get my own place somewhere far from here and never have to talk to them or anyone at all. Start fresh and new and have someone who actually cares for me... maybe like take care of me or something and have a great life with someone who won't treat me like I am some sex toy... just someone I can be with.

Helena

So well lots of bullshit has been going on that I need to release on here a lot...... So here comes my angsty bitchy side.

First comes being out of plenty of jobs..... I feel so defeated right now and like I am a huge failure and that I can't do anything right now at this point..... That I wasn't meant to be put on this earth.

To top all that bullshit off I have had guys after my ex bf Tom dump me just out of the blue which is still hurting me, and this one guy I have wanted to be with for a long while is going to enlist in the army. Now I have befriended my other ex bf Mike.... and he is desperate enough now to ask me out on a date...... like a real date.....

My mom and dad and I (more so my rents) have hit rock bottom even though they got great jobs going on right now and somewhat good money coming in. My mom just recently got a black eye because of her over drinking. She at least quit smoking.... But I need to find a job and move out or else I am gonna go crazy staying here.

To top that off My heart is hurting a LOT from past relationships.. Especially the one who I am befriending...... Every night now I feel like just crying....

Ok that is my rant and emotion letting go for today.

Herenity Rosenburgh.

So here I am sitting in my bedroom just thinking what the hell am I ever gonna do for the new year 2008.... Well.... uh.... I am gonna follow those new years resolutions I just posted up on here.... But more importantly return back to SCHOOL *gasp* yep I said it I Helena Albertine LeBelle am going back to SCHOOL *gasps again*.

I need to start to do something with my life right now... and I just thought to myself I should return back to school make wads of money so that I can afford to move out all on my own (or possibly with some roomies I can depend on).

I find myself in this interesting bind. This long time friend I have had since grade like 9, is just as confused as me about this whole relationship thing between us. See in grade 9 we really didn't hang out much. But when grade 10 rolled around and we started to hang out more, we started dating, but then just out of the blue I said to him it just isn't working. We went our own separate ways, but believe it or not we remained friends. So about a year later we start dating once more in secrecy, then again decided to call it off and become good friends again. We had a long separation period where we did not talk for about a year, we started to be friends again. Now here I am broken up with whom I thought was my one true soul mate and true love but I guess he totally proved me wrong. I have been contemplating for the longest time as to if we should go ahead and give it one last try in total and complete secrecy again and not share this with anyone or just remain close close friends. I was hoping he'd be online today, and surpringsly enough he hasn't been. So here I am right now in a total bind just wondering if I should go ahead with dating this amazingly great fun loving guy, or go off and find another guy and just pray that he won't hurt me like all the other guys I dated did to me. What do I do? *cries*.

These are the promises I am making to myself for the year of 2008, I am gonna be a new Helena :).

Spend less time on the internet

Get a steady job

Move out

Get a steady relationship

Make my dog sitting and walking business boom

Write more of my script

Get more friends

Go clubbing more with Jess

Contact ex’s less

Clean the house more

Become a generally happier person

Spend less time buying so many things

Get my g1 FOR SURE

Find some roomies for when I decide to move out

Try new foods

Go outside more get more active, take Pepsi out more

Stop being so emotional and controlling in relationships

Today I find I am now back to the single life, my so called now "ex bf" made the presumption that were broken up all by himself and decided it was "too much" and said "what do you expect from me". I went on his facebook a few days ago to see my boyfriends relationship status went from "In a relationship" to "Single" then back to "It's confusing" and now back to "Single". I don't care much I have been hurt, he was being very cold hearted, very cruel, and made me feel like dirt, I am here crying but I am stopping, I don't want to feel anger, depression nothing. I am through with being hurt by guys, it hurts me a bit but not much that I have to move on, life goes on, I have had many ups and downs in both friendships and relationships. I will survive, find new friends, try and stick with the ones I have, so here you go girls, have fun with Thomas Hogan, he is a great great guy who thinks all on his own like a big boy.

Helena.

So ok first it started off with my bf and a possible large group of people going to Dave & Busters , so I mass email people and all of them aren't replying back yet, some can't even go a good chunk of people. So ok now I suggest to either go to Toronto or Niagara. He can't seem to get it through his damn head that we don't have to go to Niagara, I said let's go to Toronto. He said we mine as well spend time downstairs in my basement, I said to him but I have been doing that every year up till I was 18 years old, spending time with my plastered parental units. So here I am now 21 years old, wanting to go out and maybe spend time alone with my bf of five months and him saying let's go and spend money. I said it's free entertainment, we can cuddle, then I said we could even go back to your place, then he said we can't for w/e fucked up reason. So here I am extremely pissed off at him wanting to go to Toronto or at least out somewhere and him wanting to either go to Dave & Busters or to my place (When in all retrospect I DON'T). So like I don't have a clue on what exactly I should go.

For a while I have been wondering why he stresses out so much, I stay with him cause I know maybe there will be something good coming out of this relationship, but then I hear from his friend(s) that he is really happy, but then he stresses a lot, I did not have any fun at all this weekend because he was just plain out stressed about so many things. Again no clue on what the hell to do.

Well ok first I will go with all the downsides. The job I had yes had I lost, my plan to move out (on my own now) is fucked up, my mom is still drinking, and had a very disgusting display then blames me for every single fuck up she does, my tooth started hurting but it isn't bad, yet my parents say to make an appointment even though there is no more pain. My xmas is full of so much stuff, and my head is spinning.

Ok upside yet downside. Last weekend my cousin got married and I went with my bf to her wedding and reception twas fun. This upcoming weekend I am going to another dinner and dance with my bf and going to a hotel room with him. I got a few people who are hooked on a job I am trying to make.

See I made a dog walking and sitting business, someone emailed me and asked if I could sit her dog, I said yes, but for a real stupidly low price which I am gonna try and bring up. So now my parents are on my case about "oh your neice is babysitting for more then that" I am almost ready to say "ok there is a very fine line between people and animals." I mean yeah like animals are kinda people to but like why charge like that much.

More downside is that I am downstairs and my dad comes down and says "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I wanna sleep here because my wife that I say I love is snoring" or "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa are you going to bed" it's just constantly "waaaaaaa" basically I just wanna move out.

Your all probably wondering why my subject line is "fucking hell! fucking damn it all to hell!!!" I will tell you why. I got a great job right now going on, but one huge ass problem is well I still come home to a drunken slut of a mother who doesn't seem to be stopping both smoking and drinking.

And not to mention the job I have right now it's so damn disorganized. Like I go there and everyone is still on the computer. There is stuff that still needs to be filed away, and all the order forms that I have to write in are totally out of place. Yesterday I did a job and there were 10 other order forms from ANOTHER job that I had to do! Hence damn it all to hell there. Also half the stuff there is bent out of shape, or very disorganized. Like for example we have different slots for different things we need to do. Like we have all the camera cards (which are missing) and then the order forms. For the order forms there are different slots. There is orders to be data matched, there are orders to be completed which I do, and proofing. There is also whites and yellows. So yesterday because EVERYTHING was all over the place, I had to go into the back room take like 20 30 orders and organize them ALL. That was hell, my back is even more fucked up right now. There were also two new girls well one new girl, another girl was just from a totally different department and just came to where I am right now.

Were luckily getting things done a lot more faster because there is a lot more people to get the job done, and done right for once in a while.

So well I still come home from some real shitty disorganization to even more shitty disorganization. The whole house is just disgusting, my mom now expects me to get off my ass and do some laundry and so now I am forced to make one decision, to move out. This is all just too stressful.

Helena out.

So ok here is what is going down with my shit ass cell phone. I discover that even though it is entirely charged, and the battery is actually now probably screwed up that oh I need to call bell mobility. So I call them, and tell the guy I am talking to that the cell phone I have the minute I power it up it powers down the second I turn it on. Now I discover that I can talk on it when it is charging, but now cannot when it isn't. So I walk into bell world, tell her my problem, and hand the girl my cell phone, low and behold to me she says she can't do anything cause it won't power up or do anything. So she said I can get into ANOTHER three year contract, and NOT go on a pay as you go phone. I ask how much it would cost for a replacement battery, yeah you'd be thinking 5 10 bucks max, WRONG, 90 god damn dollars for a cell phone to be charged. That isn't the half of it. My dad calls them again himself, and says that he wants to transfer phones and such, then the guy pretty much says that if he himself were to get a pay as you go that he would have to cough up a good 100-200 dollars, I am like uh no another plan. So yeah that's pretty much it *sigh* oi oi and oi!

So here is a sum up of life for me.

I got a good new bf, we are going quite good, we got our ups and downs, I actually decided to do some laundry and my room today, went shopping with my mom.

Downsides: My cell phone is dead because the charger my dad bought is shit and now I can't seem to find my other charger. My mp3 is busted and now I need a new one cause my other one is busted also. I find myself going crazier day by day.

Upsides: My thyroid is getting better, a few weeks ago my results turned back negative on having any form of an std, and again things are going good with my bf. We are moving out, I am possibly also returning back to school.

So so things: My energy is meh still, up and down, but regulating, parents are getting a bit better with drinking, that is all.

Helena out.

Right now I have no belief in God, and I think rightfully so, I believe that you make your own destiny, you form how life goes for you, not God.

Like everyone puts their whole entire faith in God when he doesn't even exist, it's just something some "priests" wrote up in a freakng book, just a book, because they all had nothing better to do with their time then rather to make up false stories to make people think that all of that bullshit happened when sorry it didn't.

I got baptised prodistant, then turned catholic, went to church but now my so called "faith" in him has disapated. It's a stupid waste of time to think that someone or something exists when it's just a figment of everyone's imagination, we see people like "god" walking our streets all the time, so well it's quite pathetic.

I personally think that you form your own destiny, and whatever may happen happens because it just does, not because God chooses it to be done. If God choose for a baby to die then dear God that bastard must be screwed beyond his god damn mind. I am not saying any names, but a person I know lost a baby well two now, like lost an actual embryo, so if God choose for that to happen then he deserves to be reborn and killed in a even worse way then being nailed to the cross, becuse right now he is sinning then all of us combined LMAO. Sins, goodness, it's all a load of crap i find.

That is all, that is my rant.

So ok where do I start. I wanna try and get rid of my cell phone maybe give it away. Last night my dad and I talked and he said maybe he can take my cell phone, it's almost like having a pay as you go and I get an actual pay as you go or a prepaid cell phone where I don't have to pay anything for x amount of years maybe. But problem is we don't have any money, only because my mom is still spending it on booze booze booze, and my dad is spending it on you guessed it cigerettes. There getting on my case about eating healthy but there the ones destroying their bodies, but besides that.

I also have a huge credit card bill and it sucks cause I needed new clothes, and now to top it all off I am getting overcharged for minutes that I am not even talking. To top it all off I am not moving out with my bf now because my other job screwed me over, and was being quite vague about giving me more hours. Like they start off saying they don't want me in any more, I get a call from them and they ask me if I want to work at a different area and I was like oh my god no, not till 11 when I am all the way in oakville.

Anyway everything sumed up is insaneness total and complete insaneness!

If you could be another person for a day, who would it be and why?

Heh, I would say I would be Angelina Jolie because she has always been an inspiration to me growing up. My respect for her grew when she adapted all those third world country children, that shows great stamina in a person.

So well, there is always things that happen whenever I go out on a venture lately now lol.

So Tom and me leave at like 7:45 in the morning to go to the states to go see Lp (great great great concert which I will share all the info about later in this blog). We wait in line back of at least 200 300 cars to cross the boarder, we finally cross, and get there an hour or so later then what we were hoping for.

We arrive at the concert, park, and go in and ask if it is for the park admin and to go to the concert also. The lady there had stated to us that yes it is, and once we enter the concert we cannot come back in. Were like ok cool, so we though Lp would be first and the bands would follow. Nope.

There were a few bands ahead of them, they were last. So what we could have done was gone to the park for the whole day and come back at around 9, but well we had to sit around all day until like 9:30 to see them play.

When they did play it was loud as fuck, awesome as fuck, and all out amazing backdrop.

A few other bands weren't bad either. See what happened was there was one half outside in the daytime pretty much then the second half were the other bands.

The first band that played was a band called Medina Lake, they were pretty good. Following after them were styles of beyond (a band that was in with fort minor, who is mike shinoda from lp). Right after was uh saosin I think, I don't remember them in order. There was mindless self indulgence, and another band which I can't remember. So when we made our way in, a band called uh Julien K came on, they weren't bad at all, never heard of them till I went there. Then placebo came on, after them taking back sunday, then h.i.m (his infernal majesty *shudders*.) then my chemical romance, most of the songs I didn't like but the lst song they did was pretty good, he has a good voice, then was LP!

The concert they threw was so great. They had different backdrops for every song they did, and they were all electronic. It went loud, so so loud, like right now my ears are still ringing away. Anywho that is as quick sum up of what happened hopefully it wasn't too in depth lol.

So ok I was nodding in and out of sleep this morning. But I was still in that dream state.

I dreamt that I went up to this volcano, I don't know why. I then took empty buckets and threw them in. Then out of the blue this heavy set woman showed up beside me and chucked some more in.

We ran down from that volcano as fast as we could. It started to ooze very very slowly, not erupt just ooze.

So then somehow we ran to my place which was somehow just around the corner. I ran downstairs and watched tv, yes I watched tv. I then realized how close the lava from the volcano was getting. My dad was on the phone upstairs in the office. I told him I need to tell him something important. He said he was on an extremely important call. I told him to call them back.

So then I told him that there's lava that is about to come into the house and that we had to leave. Luckily then I woke up, cause if it would have went on I feel something even more terrifying would have happened in that dream.

So this weekend is LINKIN PARK for me. Finally after being their number one fan for 10 good years I am finally gonna see them LIVE. I got an amazing bf who paid for the tickets to. I am so joyously happy.

The weekend after is SFX, hopefully I'll get a good group going on for that.

I am trying to keep myself very busy and gonna start to go back to school.

The move I don't think will happen this month cause I got no job to back me up.

That is pretty much it, not that much to tell at this point.

Well right now as I said I got an absolutely amazingly great boyfriend, what's the problem then you ask? I am falling for another guy just as much as I am falling for my new bf.

I already told this guy that I have feelings for him. We both agreed that we would stay friends. I said to him that I value his friendship now more then anything else. I don't know why I end up always talking about my feelings to him, and not my own bf.

It is confusing the fucking hell out of me. My heart is ripped in two. And not to mention my aunt just passed away and my faith in God has been demolished so now I am an atheist I only believe in me myself and I and nothing else right now. I don't believe God exists cause if he did little children would not be dying and being captured by rapists, and murderers and cold hearted assassins. The world we live in is so fucked up right now that I would so love to have a trigger right up to my skull and for it to be pulled.

Those thoughts just keep overpowering me every single day of my life.

Right now I am kind of still in the middle, my bf still has no clue that I am falling for this guy, and I wish to tell him but then things will get even worse between us so for now I am just gonna keep things on the down low. He knows that now I am not ready to be in a committed relationship one single bit, I really despise them a lot actually.

I hate sounding so emo, but this is the only way I can keep my sanity, keep a note of what the fuck I am going through, and how I am coping with every day situations as crappy as they may be.

Yes I know all about the less fortunate children and families in the world, but there are hundreds of stars out there who have millions of dollars to actually go out and adapt those children, there should be more Jolie's out there. After I found out she did that though my respect for her went way up, like more so then before. I love the roles she does.

Anyway that is my rant.

Helena out.

So ok right now I got an absolutely amazing boyfriend. We said that were not gonna get into a committed relationship until we moved in though. So like technically I can per say now date other people. Just date though, like not do anything else other then go out for a dinner and a movie with someone with no feelings attached. The problem is I... think I am falling for someone else now to. I am not saying any names, but I just started talking to this guy again, and now I have feelings for the both of them.

I had a dream of that last night. I dreamt that this friend of mine who I feel I am getting closer to came up to me and kissed me, then I kissed him back but then shoved him off then told him to leave. I then went up to my new bf Tom and told him, and he said he wanted to beat the crap out of him for doing that.

Every morning I wake up I am just going to have to tell myself that I am happy with Tom my new bf who is made for me. I think were made for each other, were perfect together. I am just so afraid to tell him though, cause he has stressors in his life now too.

On top of all that my aunt just passed away several months ago, and my mom has a job a great one at that and when she comes home every single night she just drinks and goes back to bed. I hope she doesn't mess this job up like I did all mine. To top that off to I had a factory job at oakville, and got let go of that.

There is my newest rant, sorry it took me so long, really had nothing else to say.

Helena out.