So alright I go to an interview. Today I tell my mom I feel sick as all hell from the hamburger or whatever shit she fed to me. I now still feel like I am going to be sick to my stomach and all I can think about is getting even with them and hurting them all over again like when I left. Give them the ultimate pain as a gift. So when I get enough money saved up I am going to take both animals with me, everything I own even if they gave it to me and leave somewhere far far away. I stopped being friends with this one guy I wanted to be with all along and hope to god he will leave me alone from here on in. Tomorrow after my long interview session, well job shadowing I am going to be staying at a friends. It now looks like I am going to have to stay in a damn shelter for a while.... I really really don't want to because it means leaving my two animals (one who is my illigitamte son who I love so much, who is a pure bread collie, and another one who I adapted a tabby cat who has the greatest personality ever.) There the only two beings here ever that make me happy and make me feel that I have a purpose on earth. Every time I think of killing myself, all I do is think of my dog my illigitimate son and just stop all bad thoughts and think what he'd do without me, and what I'd do without him.

My parents are so cold hearted right now and are causing me nothing but more pain heartache, and headaches, all in one. More importantly all they care about is being together. They think about themselves more so because all they care about is making themselves feel better. I could never concentrate on homework, and they blamed me on being lazy.... When I know KNOW for a fact that it's because all I could think about is "What am I gonna walk home to." Or "Oh my God... will anyone be home." Or "I feel like dying right about now or moving out." I wish it would all stop right now. Life just sucks balls right now. If I get that job I can get enough money saved up and get my own place somewhere far from here and never have to talk to them or anyone at all. Start fresh and new and have someone who actually cares for me... maybe like take care of me or something and have a great life with someone who won't treat me like I am some sex toy... just someone I can be with.

Helena